Archive for September 30, 2010

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not

Ever meet one of those people that you can talk to for hours and still want to chatter away more?

Well, then, welcome to the end of my Summer of 2010.

It was a summer party, backyard BBQ of sorts.  Hanging out, super chill, walking around laughing and checking the score of the Sox game.  Everyone I knew, either by my own friendships or through stories of their shenanigans.  My friends are very big on the shenanigan scene.

But this one particular individual, I hadn’t even heard of until about four days before the party when he was casually introduced in conversation.

Yet when I met him, it was like I had known him for years as closely as our (apparent) mutual friends did.  For the next 4 hours we talked, pausing only to chat with other people at the party (because it’s rude to spend your entire time enthralled with someone else when you are supposed to be being social with other people.)

We talked about where we grew up, schooling, current jobs, fascination with sports and athletes, music, travel, ambitions, life in general….shall I go on?  It’s one of those scenes you see in movies that never happen in real life.

The connection was immediate.

Or so I thought.

He loves me he loves me not
Photo Credit: Getty Images – Jenni Holma

I don’t know if it was a case of falling hopelessly in like with the entire idea of how the situation would manifest.  Or maybe thinking for a moment that movie scenes really *do* play out in real life.

Regardless, the mutual infatuation subsided nearly as quickly as it began.  Sure, there was the occasional Facebook interaction or mention in passing to the mutual friends.  But there was nothing indicating that the like was reciprocated in any other manner than an afternoon of completely engaged conversation and great company.

And that’s one of the most FRUSTRATING parts of this whole stupid dating game!  Liking someone, wondering if they like you back, putting it out there a little, getting it returned, going in a little more, they’re still on board, finally adjusting your mind to the fact “Hey, I actually rather like this character” and then radio silence.

It’s like you are damned if you do and damned if you don’t.  Even though inside you have come to terms with your like and you want to just scream it at the top of your lungs for everyone to hear.

Or you just have to wait patiently until you find the person who has those same feelings back for you and it will all work out and blah blah blah.

Sorry, but at least in this current moment, I’m totally not buying it.

How do you handle a new crush on the object of your affection?  Do you lay all your cards right out on the table or do you carefully play your hand?  Which seems better?

Bad Pick Up-Lines & Spoon Collections

As a girl who goes out to bars (less now than before) I’ve heard my share of bad pick-up lines.

You know – those phrases that they use in movies to prove just how horrible a character is at picking up the opposite sex.  Things like “Is that a mirror in your pocket? Cause I can see myself in your pants” (crude) or “Excuse me, I seem to have lost my Nobel Prize/World Series Ring/Victoria’s Secret ID Bage/Insert Outlandish Item…have you seen it?” (seriously?!) or “Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven? Cause you’re an angel.” (Awww…vomit!)

My “favorite pick-up line moment” comes from my first year of college.  As a freshman girl on campus, I believe the term is more frequently coined “Fresh Meat” and I certainly explored the night life of that campus with a dangerous naitivite.

One particular night a few of my friends and I had found our way to an off-campus party.  With easily 50+ people packed into a tiny space I found myself chatting with a cutie on the couch for over an hour. I really thought we were hitting it off.

Finally he put his arm around me on the couch and pulled me in close to whisper “Hey, so I don’t ask every girl I meet this, but would you maybe like to come upstairs and see my spoon collection?”

No people, I could not make that up if I tried.

I looked at him and asked “Do I come across as that stupid or that drunk?”

To his credit, he smiled at me, pulled his arm away and said “Obviously not enough of either” before saying a kind good-bye and moving on.

At least he's trying?
Photo Credit: Getty Images – Asia Images Group

Calling Cards

Let’s face it, I’m just not good at letting boys know when I like them.

I’ve almost given myself whiplash at the amount of hair flipping I’ve done, and my throat is actually hoarse from the girlish giggles at jokes that were (in fairness) only kind of funny.

I mean, sure, I could just use my big girl words and tell them but this is how that usually shakes down:

  • Walk into bookstore, see cutie intently reading by the stacks
  • Sidle on up beside them and randomly pick up a book from the stack to read as well
  • Never realize they are reading Beginner’s Cannibalism for Dummies and you have now picked up 30 Days To Your First Murder because you are mesmerized by the dimple that manifests as they devour the pages
  • Smile at them and catch their eye as they smile back at you. You are so entranced you don’t realize that they are looking at you with pretty much the creepiest creeper of gazes.
  • You slyly ask them out to coffee sometime and give them your number.
  • A week later you are found dead in a ditch, missing your left arm and right kneecap.

Or they say no.

Hey. Either is a VERY REAL possibility!

Who is to say we can’t go back to the rollicking times of the 1800’s and start leaving our calling cards when we want to meet up with people?

Business cards, with company info/address/direct line/etc, are just a little too much of an overshare asking for someone to stalk you dead like you are checking-in to your house on Facebook Places. And if you write your number on their hand at the bar you KNOW they are going to drunkenly wash their hands at 12:35 AM and realize the next morning that they can’t figure out whether that’s a 9 or a B they need to dial.

But thanks to companies like cheek.d and FlipMe the pain of asking someone out is now that much less. Basically, you pay a 3 month-subscription to either service and you get a pack of anonymous “pick-up” calling cards to dole out randomly to potential dates you are too shy/intimidated/awkward about asking.

Ok, maybe I’m the only one who is awkward about this sort of thing.

Which is why I would buy an entire pack of this card from cheek.d:

There are no details about you on the card, only a website and code for your card receiver to log-on and see if they are interested in sending you a message based on the little blurb you’ve got hidden in their membership logs. And apparently lots of people are already subscribed and could be passing you a card atNosh before you know it!  You can even learn some of the more suave “Flip” moves on their site.

So there’s still rejection (if they don’t message you, you don’t learn anything further about them) but a little less painful than the immediate “No thanks” face slap that might occur if you asked outright.

Or the serial killed cannibal in a ditch thing.

Course if you do in fact manage to get a message from one of the cuties you’ve given your card to, gone out a bit, maybe even used those big important “words” (boyfriend/girlfriend), and finally gotten to the point where you need to not be together anymore, you could always just have this chick break up with them for you.

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What do you think of virtual date calling cards? Fun and flirty idea or just weird?

In The Shadows

Remember when breaking up meant you barely see each other again?

Those beautiful days when your heart felt shattered into a bajillion pieces and you simply avoided the same haunts and put all their stuff in a dark closet and pushed them out of your mind?

This is, of course, a serious case of karma rearing it’s ugly head at me again.  After this spring, when I railed against an ex for adding me on Facebook and then promptly ignoring me.  I found the entire situation to be childish and silly – why reach out to be friends when we weren’t friends currently only to ignore me and still not be friends?

Was he just stalking me?

Then, yesterday, I peered over the edge and proceeded to fall into the rabbit hole.  The dangerous thing with online existence is that when you are dating, you add your new squeeze to all your networks in case things pan out and you are finally able to achieve that holy grail of updating your relationship status on Facebook.

It started with looking through tagged photos I had looked at 100 times before on Facebook.  Then it was comments on “mutual friends’ walls.”  Then it was a Google search.  Then it was a Twitter account.  Then Flickr.  I was like an addict, desperately seeking out any shred of him I could find.

And finally I ended up back at the beginning, looking at the dating profile that had brought him into my life in the first place.  A new picture, new words, new interests…he had moved on and was still trying to find someone.  What the heck was I doing?

First things first, I severed the deepest of the online ties.  I “Removed His As A Friend” on Facebook.  Yes, I committed online homicide to any future online relationship.  And I wished there was just some way I could remove him forever.

Fortunately for me, fate intervened, and someone randomly sent me the link to a website that promised JUST that.  The Ex-Blocker (BlockYourEx) is an add-on application you can download* that will block any online possibility of you finding information about your ex.  Simply enter their name, Twitter handle, Facebook profile and Website URL and they guarantee your ex will be blocked from your online searches.  So I did, and immediately went to Facebook to see if he was gone.

The page yelled at me.

Ex Blocked!

But it was definitely serving it’s purpose.  I could still see most of the page (I’ve photo-shopped the bejeezus out of this screen shot) and it was just a little too easy to “Click To Unblock” the page.  Yet I felt chastized peeping into his world through a gauzy white filter, knowing that I was doing something I shouldn’t.  Made it much guiltier than an hour chasing his memory around the interwebs.

Yet how would it work on searches?  Google is like my own personal Private Investigator, and I am like a black belt in my stalking skills using the tool.  I thought about someplace I knew he’d “turn up” and remembered the 5K races he had started running.  I adored seeing his face light up talking about his times in various races, getting faster and finding something he enjoyed so much.  So I Googled one of the races and pulled up the results.  Surely this add-on wasn’t advanced enough to delete his name from an obscure 5K race that he ran one weekend in June.

He's Disappeared There Too!

Sure enough, there among the names and times there appeared a big white space where his used to be (again, this page is photoshop chopped all up, but you can see where the arrow is pointing out the blank space that used to have his name.)

Now, if only I could figure out a way to apply this app to the City of Portland.

What is your experience “online stalking” the ex?  How did you kick the habit?

# Dylan, our resident “Geek” here at would absolutely laugh at me if I recommended you download programs to your computer without knowing what they are. So I Googled and researched to the tilt the “BlockYourEx” application to see if there were any viruses/trojans/etc.  I could find nothing, and tech friends agreed.  But I *did* uninstall the add-on after it appeared to make my internet run slower.  I guess crawling every single page you load to make sure your ex doesn’t appear on it takes some juice.  But if you wanted to get rid of them that badly, it might just be worth it.