The Single Slice

Dear Cupid – Let’s be straight. We are clearly in a fight.

I’d like to say that I am a single, bitter girl. That my icy demeanor has hardened me to the sweetness of your confectionary accolades. That I am writing you a ranting manifesto because I am so overcome with seething rage that I see flashes of red.

Or that I am so desperately and painfully alone that I would date anyone who gives me the slightest hint of interest. That I spend all my nights curled up with pints of Ben & Jerry’s watching marathons of Grey’s Anatomy and crying my way through a box of tissues.

I mean sure. I’ve kind of been in both places a bit before. And the explosion of pink and hearts and shiny things coming up next week certainly is not helping.

But the truth is, fat little winged baby, I am not angry OR sad. In fact, it is actually easier to feel those emotions. Because as expansive and huge as those feelings are, at least I understand them. Yet, the only word I can come up with to describe my whole love situation is: frustrated.

* I am frustrated that I am so content and happy with my life that I’m not “putting myself out there” trying to find the love of my life.

* I am frustrated by the nagging feeling that even though I am content and happy I want someone to share things with.

* I am frustrated that people whisper and speculate about “why I’m still single” like there must be something wrong with me.

* I am frustrated that I let myself occasionally wonder if there IS indeed something wrong with me cause I am still single.

* I am frustrated that my guy friends constantly muse over a pint of beer that they “don’t understand why I don’t have a boyfriend.”

* I am frustrated that I have such a hopelessly romantic soul trapped in a ridiculously analytical mind.

* I am frustrated that I do not shun the idea of pure unrestrained vulnerable love nor do I embrace it.

* I am frustrated that I feel like punching people in the throat as hard as I can when they tell me to “not to try so hard” or “that love will find you when you least suspect it” or “have you tried online dating?”

* I am frustrated that the person I am interested in makes me laugh when I am stressed and is brilliant and adventurous and adorable and all that stupid lovey-dovey junk.

* I am frustrated that I don’t want to date perfectly wonderful guys that are interested in me.

* I am frustrated that Molly Ringwald and Meg Ryan and those Disney Princesses all sold me on a fantasy of love that absolutely does not exist.

I am frustrated that I know that the fantasy is not reality.

I am frustrated that I really truly deep down inside the depths of my soul believe that 80% of the world got some awesome starting quarterback Cupid

Photo Credit: Getty Images – Zone Creative

And I somehow got the second-string JV Waterboy.

Photo Credit: GettyImages – Maria Pavlova

So yes, I am not overly STOKED to be single for the 11th straight Valentine’s Day in a row (thank you college boyfriend for saving me from an even dozen on that statistic!)

I don’t want to force a relationship or desperately plead with the universe to find me my missing piece just so that I can finally be with someone.

And I don’t want to sit home alone in the dark sobbing hysterically at my lonely misery while loading a potato gun and red-lining my ex’s neighborhood.

I just want a chance.

A chance to feel love and to give love in return.

I don’t think that is so much to ask for.

So…JV Waterboy Cupid…you wanna hook a girl up?

Literally.

If you were able to write an open letter to Cupid – what would you want to tell him?

I once titled a dating ad “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” in the dead of winter.

I love the look of a winter wonderland. The snowflakes falling outside, blanketing the brown grass with a pristine coating of fluffy white beauty. Sunshine sparkling through the icy tree branches. Kids sledding in little Michelin-man suits and cute boys in scarves and knit caps with rosy cheeks and warm smiles catching your eye.

I especially enjoy seeing these scenes curled up with a cup of hot cocoa (mixed with maybe just a dash of peppermint schnapps) under my patchwork quilt from the comfort of my worn brown leather recliner.

As beautiful as the winter scene is outside, it is cold. REALLY FREAKING COLD. Like, cold enough to keep that magical white blanket (aka frozen water) covering the earth for months on end.

Of course, one of the best part’s of being all curled up inside is when you are all curled up with someone else. Dual body heat keeping each other warm. Snuggling on a couch. Whispering funny little sayings and sweet nothings to each other. Falling asleep with someone’s arm around you.

Winter shouldn’t be about being home and alone eating tuna from a can in fuzzy slippers and glaring out at the blizzard forcing you to stay inside. Laying in bed with your covers up around your nose, still shivering and listening to the wind howling outside.

Enter the Boyfriend Pillow.

At $29.95 on Amazon.com, this companionship in the winter is a steal!

I had heard of boyfriend pillows, but though they were those 3-arm big tall pillow things or body pillows. Never before did I consider that I could actually buy someone’s arm to envelope me in a warm embrace as I slept with a content smile on my face. The commercial gives you even more reasons to wrap yourself in your boyfriend (pillow)’s arm.

And guys, don’t think you are left out of this! Apparently substitute girlfriends are even cheaper on Amazon.com, at only $16.95.

I couldn’t find a great artistic stock photo of the anatomically profound Girlfriend Arm pillow (though I must admit, those bumps look awfully uncomfortable…maybe they are like those micro-fiber bean bag material things?) so it appears to be a different quality. The price alone suggests that. So I cannot guarantee the same wonderful cuddles through the night.

Of course, if pillow-spooning is not your gig, you could always pick up a Girlfriend Lap Pillow. Though written about all over the web, it’s difficult to find for sale. The best I could find was the Japanese Trend store (apparently when they aren’t attempting to dominate the global tech world, Japan is creating novelty sleeping pillows) but it’s a definite investment at $101.

With such a (finally) substantial snowfall out there, I know you I am looking for ways to make my time inside a bit more bearable. Snuggling with another body,even if it’s inanimate, might just be the answer.

Or, maybe it’s a little creepy.

What do you think of the Boyfriend/Girlfriend Pillow craze? Worth it to feel some semblance of companionship or a gag gift gone horribly wrong?

Congratulations single folks! You’ve almost made it through the holiday season gaunlet!

But like any Herculean feat of strength, the last challenge will be the most difficult.

New Year’s Eve.

(If I had sound effects on the blog that would have sounded similar to this.)

A holiday that by very tradition includes a necessity to be coupled up.  To find that “special someone” to kiss at midnight and start the New Year with. It also includes the tradition of promising that you will commit to a plethora of resolutions and goals that you will most likely  give up on by January 18th or so. (Just ask any of the local gyms.)

But I digress. Back to that whole kiss at midnight thing. Seriously. Don’t you kind of want to find whoever came up with the whole thing and punch them in the face? Over on Kissing Matters, they date the practice back to Ancient Roman times when people would “throw a big party every New Year’s Eve called the Festival of Saturnalia where they would kiss and generally debauch one another as much as possible.”

Yep. Sounds like many of the New Year’s Eve celebrations I’ve been invited to in the past.
Not for me, not this New Year’s Eve. Damn the kiss! Well, ok. If there’s a really cute boy kicking around tomorrow night I wouldn’t be ADVERSE to a kiss. But it would totally be a no-strings-attached kiss. Unless, you know, said unknown cute boy wanted to attach strings.

GAH!

Do you see how easy it is to fall down the slippery kiss at midnight slope. I blame When Harry Met Sally.

So how do you make it through the Dick Clark countdown and into 2011 without feeling like the sludge on the underside of a slug?  Here are some ideas:

Remember: You are not alone – In Portland alone there will be tens of thousands of single folks ringing in the New Year without their kisses. I know, that sinking feeling at the bottom of your stomach sure FEELS like you are the only one. But I promise, YOU AREN’T! Heck, I’ll be ringing in the New Year’s sans kiss (unless random cute boy…GAH…STOP!!) so you can find some comraderie in that fact alone!

Photo Credit: Getty Images – Taxi

Spend The Evening With Other Singles – I’ve done the whole “celebrate with friends” thing where I was the only single person in a group of couples.  The awkward 3rd/5th/11th wheel.  Nothing will send you tumbling into the pit of despair referenced above faster than spending the night watching all your coupled up friends be all couple-ly while you are being all “Die alone in your kitchen and be found two weeks later, eaten by neighborhood cats.” Don’t shun your coupled up friends, they’re people too afterall. But don’t make them your ONLY New Year’s Eve companions.

Don’t Drink/Drug/Self-Medicate Yourself Numb – I’m most certainly not one to advocate telling other people how to celebrate in terms of comsumption. In fact, I would be fine if whiskey were added to the FDA’s Food Pyramid, up by the fats to be drank “in moderation.” Yet something about New Year’s Eve screams “Get fall-down drunk and pass out in a closet so you don’t even have to deal with the kiss issue.” I can almost (like 98.7%) guarantee that will not end well.

Don’t Look For The Desperate New Year’s Eve Kiss..Or More – Desperate is the operative word in that sentence. If you find your own unknown random cute boy (or girl) and you’re feeling the kiss vibe, go with it.  But we’ve all been there, longing for some sort of human companionship and a little…you know…when we are feeling at our loneliest. It is encouraged somehow if you decide to go against the “Don’t Go Numb” note above. But let’s consider…do you REALLY want to start 2011 by having to Coyote Ugly your way out of a awkward embrace?

Remember…midnight happens for a mere second. This too shall pass my friends.

How are you spending your single New Year’s Eve?

Being single during the holidays is like that explosion of tinsel up the side of a tree.

It’s a big glob that you can’t take your eyes off of.  Consuming the whole decorating process as you try to piece it into other parts of the tree.  Pulling it apart, piece by piece, analyzing to try to make sense of it all.

You know that if you could get it just right then the tree would be perfect.  But no matter how long you work on it, no matter how hard you try, there’s always a piece of tinsel out of place.  Something that doesn’t feel quite right.

Some people love tinsel at the holidays.  Some people think it’s absolutely wretched.  There’s something about it though.  All sparkly and mesmerizing.  Makes you think there’s gotta be something shiny to this holiday thing.

And certainly there is.  There are some very good reasons to find sparkly shiny goodness at the holiday season.  Not just on the tree, but in all of it.

Here are 5 great reasons to be single during the holidays.  None of the warm fuzzy friends and family spirit of the season.  Good solid “Thank goodness I’m a big blob of tinsel” reasons.

1. No extravagent romantic presents to buy – Buying gifts during the holidays for people is bad enough.  You’ve gotta spend so much, cause you buy expensive presents for people you love.  Or like a lot.  Somehow you throw in finding the perfect gift for that perfect someone, and it’s a painful recipe for insulting injury.   She complains all the time about how messy her kitchen is, why isn’t it a thoughtful gift to buy her a super spiffy electronic mop?  It’s loving to cut up all his old T-Shirts and make a quilt out of them.  Who needs that stress?!

2. Joint travel calendars and party replies – It’s hard enough scheduling for one person during the holidays.  All the parties, all the meals, all the events.  Like a rag doll you get jerked all around in a hundred directions, and that’s all on your own.  Imagine adding in another set of obligations.  Two families vying for your attentions on high holy holidays.  Two sets of corporate holiday parties.  Too too many!

3. The questions aren’t so bad – Sure, your well intentioned family wants to know who you are seeing.  When you’ll finally drag bring someone to the final night of lights.  Those questions that tweak but are what they are.  What about the questions coupled up friends have to deal with?  When are you getting married?  When are you having kids?  When will people stop butting into lives over mashed potatoes?!

Photo Credit: Getty Images – Emma Innocenti

4. There’s all that love around – There’s got to be a reason they made “snog” and “nog” rhyme.  People are just spilling over with good will and cheer, wanting to share it with the world around them.  You find a door frame with that magical greenery hanging from the frame.  It’s like a veritable petri dish of stolen kisses and loving moments.  You can even practice on this virtual mistletoe from Hugo & Cat.

5. Opportunity is everything – You know that cute girl you’ve been admiring at the office?  Or that boy who makes your coffee with a sly grin and brown puppy eyes.  What better time of year is there to give it a try?!  There’s holiday parties and festive events and fireplaces and hot cocoa.  And with all that love and cheer and no one wanting to be alone, why not help the process along?  Give it a chance.

Come on now.  Doesn’t that give you hope during this cold winter time?