Tales From The ((Dating)) Crypt

All those dating horror stories that become books and movies and urban legends have to come from somewhere, right?

Sure, a lot of Hollywood is made up, and we all know those things never happen in real life.

Except when they do.

Coming off the heels of Halloween I was told a story last week that would cause even the most fearless of single people to sleep with the lights on.  The story I am about to tell you is real, things like this happen in our little city of Portland.

A reader emailed me (yes, please, email me!!!) to tell me about the guy she had been seeing this summer.  Introduced by common interests and mutual acquaintances, Sarah* and Derek* were lucky in that they got to know each other as friends before jumping into any sort of relationship things.

Derek first approached Sarah after he had seen on her Facebook a lot of pictures from recent local shows.  An avid music lover himself, Derek took the opportunity to finally chat up Sarah and ask her to hit up a venue with him sometime.  Sarah had always thought Derek was kinda cute, and a very nice guy, so she was more than happy to agree to meet up with him.

They kept things on a friendly level for a bit, and then one night the friendship changed into something much more, as those things tend to do.

But Sarah was hesitant.  After suffering through a pretty drawn out and dramatic break-up, Derek was sometimes a little mysterious about his plans.  He seemed to have his schedule down to a perfect time-stamped science and was always out with friends, though Sarah never ran into him anywhere.  Plus he had this weird way of calling to ask if she wanted to do something on nights she swore she had told him she already had plans.

No More Clowning Around
Photo Credit: Flickr Creative Commons – Averageman

Now Sarah is a pretty smart cookie, and she told him again and again at the beginning of their relationship that she loved being friends with him and they could totally just stay friends if he wanted to see other people.  She just didn’t want a casual relationship.  “Nothing to worry about,” he assured her.  “I’m exclusive with you.”

Then one weekend at a party (as it tends to happen) someone was talking to Sarah about a mutual friend’s new boyfriend.  They had hung out as a foursome a couple times and he seemed like a really great guy.  Since Sarah was so into the local music scene, maybe she’d know him.

As much at the metaphoric punch to the guy hurt, it somehow didn’t surprise Sarah to find out that her mutual friend’s new boyfriend was none other than HERboyfriend (as of the serious “relationship talk” two nights prior) Derek.

In a scene that I somehow envision playing out like the 90’s video “The Boy Is Mine” with Brandy and Monica, Sarah got in touch via her six degrees of separation with Derek’s other girlfriends (yes, you read that right…girlfriendssssssss) and planned a meeting to confront him.

Thinking he was coming over to hang out with Sarah, have a glass of wine and watch some Netflix Derek walked into her apartment expecting a night of cuddling and relaxation.  However upon seeing his deception manifest itself in 3-d form sitting around Sarah’s kitchen table, all Derek could do was stare at his feet and mindlessly pet Sarah’s dog.

I know, I know.  The abrupt and malicious confrontation seems a LITTLE harsh.  Especially for someone who is, in all other manners of speaking, a really nice businessman in downtown Portland who is just trying to mend a broken heart.  Who loves women (apparently a lot of them) and just can’t bring himself to limit his options to only one person so soon after his break-up.

But dude…really?!  All four of his “girlfriends” at different times had the same sneaking suspicion of Derek’s actions and tried to break things off.  At which point he offered more serious commitment and deeper levels of care and affection.

It’s a point of dating I’ll never understand.  If you want to date people casually THAT’S TOTALLY FINE!!! But have the common courtesy to let them know that is what you are doing.  And don’t lie about it.

Lying isn’t sexy.

Especially in Portland.  Seriously, everybody knows somebody here.  You can’t get away with stuff like you could in a much bigger city.

Eventually, you are just gonna get caught.  And I can’t guarantee that the grand reveal will be any less painful the Sarah and Derek’s.

How about you?  What Tales From The ((Dating)) Crypt do you have that are so crazy they should be made into a movie?

Names and details have been changed to protect the innocent…and the not-so-innocent...

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